At a recent Town Council meeting, Department spokesperson Lt. Rob Ocop said the drone’s advanced technology, featuring infrared and night vision, “will be used for crime scenes, mapping, accidents, and suspect tracking.”
But mostly it will be used for finding the freshest coffee and donuts, lost dogs, small reptiles, and prostitutes, and his car keys, which he loses on a regular basis.
When asked where he found his favorite coffee, Ocop said flatly: “Wawa, of course. That Starbucks stuff is for hipster beardfaces.”
[perfectpullquote align=”right” bordertop=”false” cite=”Lt. Rob Ocop” link=”” color=”#6C8F04″ class=”” size=”15″]”I would seriously love to send a flaming missile up the butt of one of those opioid addicts.”[/perfectpullquote]
Town council members had many serious questions. Regarding the “accidents” protocol, Mayor Ralph Mowen asked if the Police Department suspected that the drone would be the cause of many accidents in the town, such as flying into buildings, people, or small children. Ocop declined to comment on the issue.
However, the officer suggested that in 2020 they hoped to “weaponize” the drone with a machine gun or air-to-surface missiles. He added, “Speaking only for myself, I would seriously love to send a flaming missile up the butt of one of those opioid addicts and Trump supporters.”
A local citizen, asking not to be identified for fear of taking one of those flaming missiles up his ass, asked if this was another attempt by the small town to create a Big Brother police state in Ephrata. The man stated, “This is an invasive ability to assault are personal privacy and our rights established in the United States Constitution.”
Ocop said, “I don’t think I have a big brother, but my sister’s kinda hot. What’s the Constitution?”