Ephrata PA Police Department Getting Advanced Drone in 2019 to Spy on the Small Town

by Craig Hartranft on December 20, 2018

in Humor & Satire, Op-Ed

Ephrata PA Police Department announced this week that they will be getting a more sophisticated flying drone to spy on the small town in northern Lancaster County, Pennsylvania.

At a recent Town Council meeting, Department spokesperson Lt. Rob Ocop said the drone’s advanced technology, featuring infrared and night vision, “will be used for crime scenes, mapping, accidents, and suspect tracking.”

But mostly it will be used for finding the freshest coffee and donuts, lost dogs, small reptiles, and prostitutes, and his car keys, which he loses on a regular basis.

When asked where he found his favorite coffee, Ocop said flatly: “Wawa, of course. That Starbucks stuff is for hipster beardfaces.”


“I would seriously love to send a flaming missile up the butt of one of those opioid addicts.”

Lt. Rob Ocop

Town council members had many serious questions. Regarding the “accidents” protocol, Mayor Ralph Mowen asked if the Police Department suspected that the drone would be the cause of many accidents in the town, such as flying into buildings, people, or small children. Ocop declined to comment on the issue.

However, the officer suggested that in 2020 they hoped to “weaponize” the drone with a machine gun or air-to-surface missiles. He added, “Speaking only for myself, I would seriously love to send a flaming missile up the butt of one of those opioid addicts.”

A local citizen, asking not to be identified for fear of taking one of those flaming missiles up his keister, asked if this was another attempt by the small town to create a Big Brother police state in Ephrata.

Ocop said, “I don’t think I have a big brother, but my little sister’s kinda hot.”

Read the original article at The Ephrata Review: