The Future of Anorexic Professional Wrestling or Why Darby Allin Is A Spineless Twat

by Craig Hartranft on August 27, 2021

in Entertainment, Humor & Satire

Darby Allin

Looking pretty buff here.

I recently watched a match which featured current professional wrestler Darby Allin, currently signed to the All Elite Wrestling (AEW) promotion. He was paired with his current mentor and valet Sting and they were getting the shit beaten out of them by three other AEW dudes. Maybe it’s just me or did Allin lose some significant weight? He looked skinny and anorexic as he was tossed around like a rag doll by his opponents.

In the so-called Texas Tornado romp, two opponents picked him up and slammed his head into a ceiling abutment outside the ring area. Then we didn’t see him. Meanwhile, the same dudes kicked Sting’s ass back to the ring and fans. Apparently this was done as part of the “work” to give Allin time to recover. Wherein he returned to the fan area and did a flying body slam on the three opponents. Of course, they fell backwards on cue to catch him. What? Were they worried they might get knocked over by a feather. Because, despite the ongoing AEW push, Allin is a self-evident lightweight.

But skinny pro wrestlers is not a new thing. My thoughts return to the post-golden age of wrestling when Sean Waltman aka the  The Lightning Kid, 1-2-3 Kid or Syxx hit the rings in the Indie circuits. Cripes. He was a skinny fuck at 6’1″ and the weight of a high school cheerleader. He definitely need a scripted “work” to make it in the kayfabe business. Fast forward to a new century and you find CM Punk (Phillip Brooks) who was a tad taller than Waltman and made peg-legged jeans a WWE fashion statement.

Then there’s Samuel Ratsch aka Darby Allin. This little fellow is 5’8″ weighing 170lbs. He’s about as tall as Tom Cruise. I’m taller than both by six or eight inches, depending on which Turkey Hill I’m leaving. The accentuated muscles probably add to his weight, otherwise he would likely be a buck one fifty. You’ve heard of the farm where boneless, skinless chicken come from? Allin comes from the farm of anorexic, boneless professional wrestlers. Of course, he then needs a choreographed work to push his contest against substantially larger more manly wrestlers, and win. AEW wants him to be a franchise player and that’s the only way to do it and for Darby to remain a fan favorite. The alternative is a “shoot” even a scripted one at that.

So, to answer the question: Yes, Darby Allin is an anorexic spineless twat, who will only make it in professional wrestling by three means: scripted works, maintaining kayfabe, and enjoying fan favoritism.