Risk Management Journal Warns of Global Pandemic of Cow Shit

by Craig Hartranft on December 7, 2018

in Humor & Satire

The Risk Management Syndicate, in a recent article published in their ubiquitous Popular Risk Management journal, warn of the potential for a global and dangerous pandemic of livestock shit, perhaps equivalent to a zombie apocalypse.

Citing clandestine sources, such as the ubiquitous NSA, notorious Dark Web, and the mysterious “Deep State”, the financial collective has recently discovered, heretofore unknown to the populace, that manure, also known colloquially as shit, is a major problem for livestock farmers. According the RMA, shit is “one big problem” for livestock farmers.

All livestock farmers have one big problem … manure … with large numbers of animals in a limited space, manure can be a major issue.

Holy shit! The American people have been caught unaware. Shit is a major issue for livestock farmers, and apparently for the general populace. Who would have thought that cow shit, horse shit, or sheep shit would be such a disastrous peril to our American way of life.

Why did the Trump Administration not inform us? Where was the Department of Agriculture? Oprah Winfrey? Dr. Oz? Or the toothy media boob Hoda Kotbe?

But of more importance, is this issue only an American concern, or is livestock turds a concern worldwide? If so, could this be an international epidemic of shitload proportions? Is there an international shit storm on the economic horizon? Fecal collectors local and internationally want to know, so they can double their efforts and make a greater profit.

In view of these findings, the Risk Management Association encourages financial lenders, especially banks, to exercise caution when lending to livestock farmers. Bad lending practices could potentially led to a return on investment (ROI) that is unnecessarily low with each loan given to a farmer.

If this should happen, we would not only be up shit creek without a paddle, we’d be totally fucked.

Art

Moreover, these ROIs could become so dangerously low to become a threat to bank solvency, but also to stockholder profits and overall, even worse, bank monetary greed. Banks could potentially find themselves neck-deep in a Viking-size pile of financial shit if they are not careful.

Should this occur, some financial economists have suggested that we could potentially have a banking crisis greater than the sub-prime mortgage lending problem that caused the recent Great Recession which affected economies worldwide.

Renowned economist, and Reagan Administration economic architect, Art Laugher was heard recently whispering to colleagues over martinis, “If this should happen, not only would we be up shit creek without a paddle, we’d be totally fucked.”

Wherein, savoring his third martini, thoughtful economist Francis Fukumama affirmed, “Yes, like a young altar boy finding himself alone in a backroom vestry with a Catholic priest.”

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